And the Lucky winner is....

Carrie - from the Saunders family!! So... Carrie just email me your address and I will get this book to you as well as the other little surprises!!
Now for all of you who commented.. I am emailing you a little surprise just for commenting. Thank you to all.
We will be hopefully posting some pics of Bella in her Christmas dress here soon!
Love,
Michelle

Last day approaching for give a way!!

Ok.. so far there is like 5 of you entered! Cant wait to do the drawing, So... Tomorrow is the last day for it, just comment and you will be entered!
Ideas for commenting...
What is your favorite chocolate??
Mine - PB M&Ms

GIVE AWAY PRIZE!!!

*** Update to last post***

Ok so I have decided to give away a book. To those of you who know me you will not find that to be a shock. The book is the best devotional ever, Lies Women Believe - Nancy Lee DeMoss. The winner will also get some Christmas extras so pass it on.... spread the word... and post a comment , then you are entered!! I am drawing on Sunday!!

Good Luck, have fun!!

Guest Book... Sign here!!

Ok.. I am totally loving the fidget thing (thanks Amanda!) It is so fun to see where you all are! I have been wondering... is there a way to put a guest book on your blog. If anyone knows please let me know!

For right now, just post a comment as you are signing a guest book - Comment on whatever you want. On Sunday I will draw for a winner and you will be getting a gift from Me!!
Dont ask.. I havent totally decided yet, but it will be awesome!!!

Hope to hear from you all!!
Love,
Michelle

A FREE DAY!!

haaaaa haa..... Well sort of.. Today Darrell is working all day (as he will from now till Christmas - well I think tomorrow is going to be his last actual day off) Such is life as a retail wife... (wow, its going to be a fun day).
Anyway. Isabella is making cookies with her cousins and visiting with her Auntie Robyn who just got home from Florida on break from college. She was sooo excited to see her "Wobbyn"
As I said Darrell is working and I have a day to myself. There are so many things that I am wanting to do that I am just worn out thinking about them.
First going to the MOPS meeting, then returning some things and doing a little bit of shopping, stopping at the childrens resale shop to unload some of the recently outgrown clothes (did I mention my Bella is getting so big - thought 18-24 would last us through the winter - think again mommy!). Then back home, get ready for our church Christmas party.. I just cant wait for that.
At the party we give white elephant gifts.. you know stuff that you really dont want or need... those things that you are given and say "Thank you" and in your head you are thinking(wow.. what am I really going to do with that??)
I will post pics of that later!! Well off to my fun exhausting day of freedom. Man I miss Bella already!
Love,
Michelle

Blah day...

Well I have never really posted about these days, but someone was telling me the other day that they think I never have them. I just lol when they said that. So here you go.. the Blah day

Today has been one of the hardest since the loss of our son. I got to thinking about the date and realizing that I would be 19 days away from having him. (you know if everything had gone per my plan) I know that he is in such a better place, but the grief is still there.

I am planning to go to his grave on the due date. I havent been there since they day we buried him. I just keep trying to push it down, but I know that this is something that I really want , and need to do.

On this note... ironicly just yesterday I really felt like I should start a Study-support group for those of us who are "Grieving the child we never knew" Amanda from hoyt family and I are really excited about this. If you want more details please email me... not really feeling up to explaining it tonight. But would love to email you more info!

Hope this blog finds you well!
Love,
Michelle

Urgent... please read

Hello! I am sending this out to everyone. Please click the side tag about the FOCA bill and President Elect Obama has as one of his first bills to pass. Below are some of the stats taken off of the web site. I encourage everyone to sign. Thanks for reading!
Michelle

The Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) would eliminate every restriction on abortion nationwide.
FOCA will do away with state laws on parental involvement, on partial birth abortion, and on all other protections.
FOCA will compel taxpayer funding of abortions.
FOCA will force faith-based hospitals and healthcare facilities to perform abortions.
Barack Obama believes this legislation will "end the culture wars." To him, "ending the culture wars" means eradicating every state and federal law on abortion — laws that the majority of Americans support.
Americans United for Life (AUL), a pro-life law and policy organization, has prepared an analysis of the "Freedom of Choice Act." Please click here to read AUL Vice President & Legal Director Denise Burke’s analysis of this horrendous legislation.
The time to Fight FOCA is now. With Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in charge of Congress, we can expect a fight over FOCA to begin as soon as the next Congress begins.
Please add your name to the Fight FOCA petition and let your friends know about President-Elect Barack Obama’s promise to expand abortion throughout the country.
Fight FOCA Petition
I oppose the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA), because:
FOCA is a radical attempt to enshrine abortion-on-demand into American law;
FOCA seeks to sweep aside existing, protective laws that I and the majority of Americans support;
FOCA will prevent states from enacting protective measures in the future.
The FightFOCA petition will be sent to key Members of Congress upon the re-introduction of the Freedom of Choice Act in the 111th Congress, and to President-Elect Obama.

My first blog award!! Thank you so much!

Wow! Thank you so much Amanda for giving me my first award!! You are so sweet! It has been great getting to know you. I thank the Lord for crossing our paths!

Ok, so I will (try to) answer the following questions with single word responses. Here goes!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Where is your significant other? Work

3. Your hair color? brownish

4. Your mother? -home?

5. Your father? Work?

6. Your favorite thing? Music

7. Your dream last night? - No Idea

8. Your dream/goal? No Debt

9. The room you’re in? Music room

10. Your hobby? blogging

11. Your fear? Bella to reject God

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Content

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? patient

15. One of your wish list items? children

16. Where you grew up? Indiana

17. The last thing you did? bake

18. What are you wearing? clothes (one word seriously?)

19. Your T.V.? off

20. Your pet? none

21. Your computer? on

22. Your mood? excited

23. Missing someone? always

24. Your car? Odyssey

25. Something you’re not wearing? socks

26. Favorite store? Gymboree, Gap (oh... you said store-singular!)

27. Your Summer? Blessed

28. Love someone? definitely

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Ok.. I am passing this award on to the following people. Sorry for the links not being up, when I figure it out I will add them Most are on my sidebar.

1)Whispers of Faith - This blog has been an encouragement to me many times. I have learned so much from the Davis family about choosing Joy! Thank you! - My prayer request for her is that the Lord will give continued peace and Joy!

2)Mandy- Our Journey So Far - Its been great getting to know you, and I love that you keep Conner's memory so alive! Pray that God will give her peace, and comfort in the days ahead. Also for her as they try for baby hall #3!

3)Darlene - Have you seen my keys? - I love your blog. Not a post goes by that I don't get a smile added to my day! * Pray for God to give her continued blessings and encouragements for each day!

I will have to add more to the list later, but I really just want to get this posted for now.

Thanks again Amanda! And thank you to the 3 from the blogs I love! Sending you all a hug! Have a great day you all!

Michelle

Just a Prayer request

Hey all! I just wanted to share a burden the Lord just shared with me.
I was on my way to church to take some can goods for our Thanksgiving Baskets. At the stop light there was a lady pushing a stroller, with 2 other kids that I could see walking with her. Keep in mind that its in the 20s to the teens here. I felt compelled to offer them a ride ( this is so out of character for me, it usually freaks me out) I did so, of which she declined. Ok.. so I thought that I was released from God to move on down the road and not think of it. Well... not so... As she crossed the road I saw that there was yet another child with her in the basket-cargo area of the stroller. Struggling to keep her head out of the way of her mothers knee. This BROKE my heart. I dont know if it was just the need that I saw or that its this family, but I do know the Lord has laid them on my heart and I have done nothing but pray for them since this happened just awhile ago. So I am asking you , if you are reading this just to say a prayer for them. The unknown family. I am praying for the children and for the family just in every way I can think.
Thank you!
God Bless,
Love,
Michelle

Funny facts for Friday~

So I have been reading this book called "Heaven at Home" by Ginger Plowman I highly recommend this to all of you. I bought this at a ladies retreat this fall and its the best book! I wanted to share this funny fact about men and their thinking. She took it from a book "Capture His heart, Lysa Terkeurst. So here you are....enjoy!
Conversation between Husband and wife - I laughed and Laughed as I read this dialogue!

Wife: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Husband: Good,
W: Mine too. I took Hope and Ashley for their well checkups today.(Meaning I took the girls to the doctor today, not because they were sick but because it was time for their annual physicals)
H: (Silently wondering what our well water needed to be checked for and how our daughters fit into the same sentence)
W: (Feeling a little frustrated at his silence, which I interpret as a lack of caring) And they were fine... (thinking Not that you seem to care.)
H:(Still wondering what our well water needed to be checked for and how the daughters fit into it.)
W: Anyhow, (obviously annoyed), on the way to the doctor's office I was driving down Providence Road, and I noticed all the trees had black tape wrapped around them. It appears to be some sort of pest control treatment. Do you think that our trees could be in danger of these bugs? Because if so, I think I'd like to try this tape stuff, which is probably a lot sager than spraying chemicals that could harm the children.You know I just don't think that our government is doing enough to protect our kids from dangerous pesticides. So, do you think I should spend extra money at the grocery store of organic produce? If so, I'll need you to add some money to my grocery budget.
H:(Wondering how the well, our daughters, the trees on Providence Road, and the government's stand on pesticides could end in a request to spend more money. He decides to play it safe.) I don't know, honey; I'll have to think about it.
W:(astonished at his lack of concern for our family's health, begins to cry.)You'll have to think about what? We are talking about our daughter's lives here and all you can say is you'll think about it!
H:(Baffled, still not understanding how any of this relates to our daughter's lives but clearly understanding I'm asking for more money again.) Why are you so emotional, and why are you always nagging me for more money? (He realizes he shouldn't have said nagging, remembering he got something thrown at him the last time he used that word. He regrets his choice of word and ducks just in case)
W: Nagging? You call caring for our children,nagging? You are so insensitive..... you're impossible. You're not worth wasting any more of my breath! (Stomp, stomp, stomp, slam.)
H: Women!What's the deal? And what did she ever say was wrong with our well?

Contentment

As I have sat down here to have my time with the Lord it is very peaceful in my house. Bella is down for the night, and there is only the slight hum of the dishwasher. I have sat here thinking and meditating on Gods word. Especially this verse - "But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1Timothy 6:11 I began to think of all of the things that I have told God lately that I am either disappointed or rather discontented with. I was reading the other day in a devotional about this very topic.
My favorite quote... " If you are not satisfied or content with what you already have you will not satisfied with what you are begging God for either once you have attained it."
How true is that... I mean how many times have we thought.. " I would be happy if..." It reminds me of shopping (did I mention I really like to do that?? - but what girl doesn't?). You know.. like shopping for a new outfit. You leave the house thinking 'OK.. if I can just find that WOW dress for this wedding that would be great!' You get to the store and by outfit #32 you find the perfect one. So with all well intended purpose you head to make your purchase. As you are headed there all of the sudden the perfect little denim jacket that just happens to be on the model right by the checkout, is staring at you. Now you are no longer thinking about the perfect dress that is in your arms, you are thinking of the jacket you wish you could get out of line to try on.
How many times do we do this with our life? I would be happy if.... God would let me get pregnant... if... I could just hold my baby again.... if ..... I could have a bigger house.... a better car... make more money.... if my child would just obey..... if I could sleep...

Please hear my heart here. Every single one of those things I have thought and felt. If we could just get a hold of the truth of what we do have and learn to be content. Think of how happy our daily life would be.
Instead of "I would be happy if " we need to say " I am happy and content because"

So here goes... I am content and happy because ...
God has given me the privilege to carry 4 children ..
I am content to know that 3 of the 4 are in the presence of the Awesome God .
I am content because I can hold Isabella and share Gods goodness with her.
I am content because God has given me a house to make a haven for my family.
I am content because we have plenty of room in our van for Isabella and any other purchase I might make while out shopping ( you know I had to put that in!).
I am content that my God shall supply all of my needs.
I am content in the truth "train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."

I pray that this post will inspire you to look at contentment in a new way and discover the great gain of Godliness with contentment!

Love,
Michelle

Sunday Snippets

Contentment....



This is a word that I daily battle with. Isn't it that way really for all of us. What does this word speak to you? Better yet what is it not? I would really love to hear some of you on this one.

Tomorrow I will follow up with some thoughts from Jesus on this topic.

Good night to all,
Michelle

Random Saturday!

Well so lots of things that I should post to catch up but... this tops it all. So here goes..
I have been emailing with a girl who I met through blogging that just lost her son this last March. Even though we havent talked (emailed) alot I have felt that we were ment to meet each other. So today Darrell and I went to look at sofas.. first to the Gray Mill, but we ended up passing it so we decided to go to the Gallery first. So we did end up at the Gray Mill and as I am walking back I see this couple at the desk and the lady turns around and I am just stunned. I know that I was totally staring just in shock. I couldnt believe it , it was Mandy.
So I ended up going up to her and its like we both had an Ahh haa! moment. How random! Neither of us had a problem talking to each other. Mandy it was so great to talk to you!

So.. just had to add that to our blog. Oh btw Mandy is starting a Run in memory of her son Conner. It will be March 28 - I will keep you posted to the details. But as for me... that will give me time to get ready for a 5k. I know to you avid runners it sound like a small thing, but for someone who hasn't ran... well that will explain it all!

Hope you all are doing well .... oh without this it wouldn't be completely random...
The other you will never guess what thing....
I bought alot of creamer today! No.. really... alot.... I think with coupons, and discounts I ended up paying less than 45 cents for my Mint mocha creamer ..... and the number well... lets say I spent a little under 10.00 . you do the math!! LOL!!
Have a good one!

CRAZY DAY!!

Well just thought that I would say "Hey!" and let you all know that I havent fallen off of the face of the earth! (Sorry Elizabeth!!) Things here have been really busy this week. I work at a daycare for-with a very dear friend of mine and over the next 2 weeks the "boss lady" is gone. (when she reads this she will kill me for that statement! :P ) She and her husband are gone with a group from church to Israel. I am really happy for her to have this opportunity, she has wanted to go for about 40 years or so. No matter how excited I am for her I cant wait for them to get back!! Have I mentioned yet that I really miss them? Well there was about 9-11 people that we just love to death that have gone on this amazing trip. I am so excited for them all.
Anyway~~~ so getting sidetracked! Well soo as for the daycare-preschool stuff, well tonight was trick or treat night, and we (my sweet husband and I) stayed there tonight to see the kids all dressed up, give them the treats, take the ever traditional pictures of each costume, ect...
This would be our 4th night in a row that we have been busy from dawn till dusk! And yet tomorrow night is our Bowling night!! I am really hoping that we do well tomorrow. Right now we are in 1st place... hoping to hold on to it!
I will post some pics later! Good night for now!

Ok so I promised...

That I would at least post something every day... (thanks Eliszabeth! :P) So here we go!



Today has been crazy but yet a blessing all the same. I made a trip to our closest big town today to get Bella a costume. Just fyi- I always wait untill the last possible minute to get the cheapest deal! So as I am driving the Lord laid someone from church on my heart, so I called her cell and left a message for her. ( This is going somewhere I promise!).

Back to the shopping- we get to the mall and I walk from one end to the other only to really not be happy with anything that I found. I just started praying that God would show me what to do . (I was almost giving in to paying way to much for the cutiest one from Gymbo.) So I decide that I am going to stop to look at some sales. As I am looking my phone rings, and its the lady I called earlier. As we were closing our conversations she says "Oh, I almost forgot. Do you have a costume for Bella yet?" I stand in awe at my God. He is sooo good. So just so you all know... Bella is going to be my little Lady Bug! This costume is sooo adorable and alot nicer than the ones I was finding. I just need to find some black tights that fit her. Thanks Thelma!!



I love my Jesus. I love that even in small things He makes it known that He is taking care of us.

I am going to end this post with one of my favorite verses~The Words however are from a song..

"For I know the plans I have for you says your God, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, Plans to give you hope and a future. BELIEVE in Me , Trust in me, for I am your God."

I'm back!!

Hey all! Just thought that I would let you know that I am still alive. Things here have been crazy. God has been working on my heart lately... I just have been fighting him about this exact thing. Blogging.
For about a month now I have been struggling with my ministries. Thinking that I just wasnt doing enough for God. Not doing or being involved in the things at church the way I really disire to. I have always been a person who loved to be busy. Tonight I had what I am going to call and AHH ha! moment.
Sharing this exact burden with a dear friend from church the Lord used her in an awesome way to show me the ministries that I do have that I really didnt even relize. I was encouraged to be happy and content in the ones that God has given to me, to do them well, and to quit pining for more.
Little did I know that God was using this to prepare me to share and encourage someone else just moments later. God is so good!
The verse comes to mind "Godliness with contentment is great gain" and I am Ahh haa-ing this one! (yes I know not real words, but this is my blog and I can make them up!! :P )
Sooo long way to say that I am now looking at this blog in a new way. And you will all just have to wait and see what changes are going to take place!!!
Well its late and getting later, so Goodnight for now!

Michelle

Brave

Hey all! I just thought that I would share some pics from the retreat in Lexington. I had such a refreshing time. Thank you to Angie for sharing Audreys story. This part of the retreat honestly is why I went. If you are not familiar with Angie and her story please check out her blog... Bring the rain on my blog list. Thank you also to the other ladies who spoke that weekend as well. Not going to share all of the great things that I learned, because you would be here a while. But one of the things that really hit home and was sooo amazing is.... Some of the ladies from the church walked across the stage with signs saying things like "Longed for acceptance" and then they would turn the sign and it would say something like "Accepted into the Family of God just the way I am" . So many very powerful things like that.

Well here is a pic of the girls that we sat with... at the last minute a friend from church decided she would go with me to the retreat. We met some very sweet ladies Shelia,Mardi, and Terri.

Mardi, Michelle S. Sheila, and yours truely :)

Just a quick note....

Hey, just thought that I would get on here and ask a couple of prayer requests.
Please remember a dear sister in Christ Angie. today is marking 6 months since the passing of her sweet daughter. I will be on and update more of what had been going on here, but I am needing to run to the Music store before I start teaching this afternoon.
Thank you for keeping her in your prayers!

While I was looking at pictures I found....

This! It is my favorite picture of Isabella! She was about 3 months old in this pic. I am a little biased but isnt she just ADORABLE!! :) This was and still is my favorite outfit that she had from Gymboree... a little crazy I know. But soo sweet!

Here's some pics I forgot to add on...

I thought that I would add some pics of Isabellas' first motorcycle. This was given to her by her great-aunt Betty. Thanks Aunt Betty! She loves it!

This is what Iv'e been doing... How 'bout you??

Ok so it has been longer than what I would really like to admit since I did a post, so here's some pics with a bit of info next to each... Wow this is alot of stuff!!!

First We had Isabellas Bday party.... We made the cake and cupcakes! One of our friends helped and supervised the decorating. Thanks Felicia!

Then the Monday after that I was given 3-5gal. Buckets full of tomatoes of which I decided to can... have I mentioned I have never done that before?? Again I had some help with that from my friend Felicia! She truly has been a Godly Titus 2 women to me.

Then after getting 15 Quarts of tomatoes canned, I got the bug... I really had fun and my husband got excited about me canning. Still am trying to figure that one out. Anyway, my mother in law had a pear tree that she wasn't going to pick or do anything with... so anyone who knows me knows I get the best deals possible. Sooo......

Yes in deed these are the BIGGEST pears I have ever seen. They were as big as softballs and bigger!! We now have lots of pear preserves, pear sauce (like apple sauce) and pears slices!
Thanks mom!!
I am not going to post pics but I should add that we also were given 25 gal. of apples for applesauce! Yes I know I am officially CRAZY! Oh, oh... but then this was all getting done the week our church had revival services every night! LOL!!

Tonight after church we headed to our after church snack spot. We always have a group from church that ends up there. We always have a blast. But tonight we headed there and thought that we were going to be the only ones. But to our surprise another family from church ended up joining! Here are some pics of our Bella and her eatin' buddies. They love to help her!

The little cutie behind Bella is 'pretending' to be camera shy! His mommy and I both know that's a laugh!! However his big sister, Sara, had NO problem being silly for the camera!

I am so thankful for Christian friends that are not only encouraging by the way they want to be like Christ, but also LOADS of FUN!!

Speaking of Fellowship and LOADS OF FUN, here's some pics from our ladies retreat this past weekend. Here we are all ready to go!!!

We got to the camp and had enough time to get settled in before our first workshop for the day. Half of us went to a work shop on money saving tips (coupons, sales ect...), which by the way was right up my alley. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE finding steal deals! The other half, just in case you were wondering went to a workshop and made beaded bracelets. Those were really pretty!

Instead of going to the 2nd workshop time some of us went to the Zip line! Loved that...

This is Megan... She was soooo excited to go on the zip line she was jumping up and down all the way there!!LOL!! Here's Darlene striking a pose! Gotta love the hat!!

Speaking of the fun....

And so the war of FUN begins!! While our Pastors' wife was at a workshop we all got back from the zip line and decided have some more fun...

Here's our self proclaimed activities director!

After the evening service we all played a game that I was very new to,but it was sooo fun! This is now on my MUST HAVE game list. Here's a very end of day pic with my friend Rebekah.. we are so much alike in alot of areas. She is such a blessing to my life and I thank the Lord for having our lives apart of each others. Thanks for the hug, the understanding ear and the servants heart! You are truly a Proverbs 31~

Well not only are we sweet and innocent.... we also have a blast plotting together. To be honest this was the funniest thing in the world. We did this to Darlene and Michelle(our pastors' wife) and decided not to leave some of the others out!! He he heee!!

We all had such a great time, and enjoyed all of the pranks - late night fun.... if you want to see some more really great pics just go over to Darlenes blog http://kachoo5.blogspot.com .

I was blessed by the Word of God and how it affects our hearts. I am thankful for the opportunity to have gone, for a husband that wanted me to go, and for a great friend(and boss) who let me off of work so that I could go! Love ya! But most of all I thank the Lord for all of the things that He revealed to me, the safety that he gave us and the new friendships formed. Last pic.. Rebekah and I played a good ole game of tether ball.... well lets say she's a pro and leave it at that!

This is the way Walk ye in it...

Today as we start our journey into the world of Blogging I am reminded of a verse in Proverbs 16 "A Mans heart deviseth his way, but the Lord directeth His steps" I know that the Lord has directed me here to share the story of our 4 precious ones, as well as sharing in the stories and lives of others. I am excited to start the journey that God has put before us.

Our precious four.....

It wasn't until recently that I realized the footprints left on a heart by the children that you are given. Almost 4 years ago today we had our 16wk appointment with our first precious one. Expecting the normal visit I was just starting to enjoy my pregnancy.

As I lay down to hear the baby's' heartbeat, the doctor seemed to not find it as easy this time. In my heart I felt as though something were dreadfully wrong with my child. The doctor was very positive that the baby was just to small still and just hiding from her.
It just so happened to be ultrasound day at the office and I was fit in just to get the heart rate checked. Within minutes I was in and seeing the first pictures of our little girl. The next thing that I remember is the technician was doing a blood flow scan and I asked " is that the baby's' blood flow?" I could tell by the cold look on her face that the answer wouldn't be good. Nothing could have prepared me for her answer. "Well dear .." she said "that is your blood flow" I interrupted "well... does that mean what I think it does???" her next words I really don't remember much other than something was said about being so sorry for us and that we needed to move back into the examination room.

The following days were the most difficult that I thought I could have ever faced. I carried the baby a week and a half before we miscarried. That week I begged God for the Doctors to be wrong. When He didn't really answer the way that I thought He should, I questioned God.I tried to do the right thing and look like I was doing just fine with it.But inside my heart became angry that I couldn't have the baby. I focused on thinking "we will just have to have another baby" when that wasn't seeming to happen, agaso hypocritical I became angry. Several months down the road I met a very sweet and helpful lady who was instrumental in helping me realize the OK grief ,and the anger that comes with that grief.She also taught me that sometimes its God who has to grab your heart(not others just telling you that you need to change).

As time went by my heart started to heal and it all became easier. I became very busy with my job and with my church, enjoying my life with my husband and my ideal vocation Well, continuing our story. Approx. one and a half years after losing our first child we found out that we were blessed again with a baby on the way. My heart was thrilled with this precious gift.Excited about the new life that God had given us, I was also filled with concern for the life of our child.

On September 20, 2006 after a very normal pregnancy, labour and delivery we welcomed our Precious #2 into this world. I am thankful for my beautiful Isabella - which means consecrated to God. Over the last almost 2 years she has been a joy and a blessing to our hearts. We thank God daily for the blessing of Bella.

Last year we found out that we were expecting number 3!! I was excited and very nervous at the same time. " I am going to have 2 under 2!!!" I was thinking that it sounded just a bit intimidating. As I was taking all of the normal steps to prepare for the changes ahead it wasn't long until I discovered that we would be losing our precious baby # 3. Ironically this was just after thanksgiving. There want a single part of me that felt thankful. I just kept thinking "not again, are you kidding?" As the days past and tests followed to be sure that I was fine after the miscarriage I just kept thinking well, it will be OK, we can try again. I busied myself convinced that I was fine with loosing this baby. After all, wasn't I just freaked about having '2 Under 2!' anyway? To be honest I just didn't give myself time to think about anything relating to children. Hiding in my busy little world I insisted that I was perfectly fine.It wasn't untill later that I would realize my hiding was a poor substitute for hiding in the arms of Jesus.

Three months later I again was telling my husband "I cant believe this... we are pregnant!!" I was excited beyond belief, with almost the equal amount of anxiety. Would the baby be fine? Would we make it to term without a hitch? Because of the pregnancy coming closer to the previous miscarriage the doctor didn't see me right away. Rather we drew blood every 3 days to watch the hcg counts. Hoping that they would rise, giving the sign that everything would seem to be normal.

At least 1-2 months later I celebrated the end of all the needles ( I am absolutely no good with them.. before this I had thought of not getting our life insurance policy just because it would involve a needle!!LOL).Well, we went to all of our appointments on schedule. Things seemed to be going good. Each day that was free of complications I breathed out a giant sigh of relief. Until one day at work I started feeling some pain. After checking with the Dr. we decided with the previous history to go in for an ultrasound. I know weird, its not every day that a Dr. thinks of just doing one that quickly. They asked me to come right away. Well with that kind of notice my husband could not go, so my very good friend was sweet enough to go with me. What a blessing that was to have her with me!

So you all who have had children know the drill, drink the giant thing of water, get to the waiting room, see the waiting room full, feel like you are going to explode if you move just a inch. Waiting anxiously until your name is called.

After all of the above I was called back. Excited to see the baby, and nervous at the same time I awaited the moment to see this beautiful baby. "Can I see the baby?" "well.." the technician replied "I just need to look here some more". Well the "some more" time line was more like 10 min. I was getting worried, so I decided to ask yet another question. "Is the baby ok?" Nothing could have prepared me for the next statement that was given to me. "I will need to go get the Dr. to take a look at this first." My heart dropped. As tears were starting to flow I said " You know I really just would like to see the baby. I do not care what is wrong, or what it looks like. Its still my baby no matter what, is there anyway that I could just see the baby?" A very understanding technician turned the screen and was showing me the different parts of the baby. She was waiting for my response. All I could do was look at the baby and think, something isn't right, God this baby isn't ok is it? As I looked up I saw her almost in tears herself. " The baby has something on its head, doesn't it?" She nodded and said that was her concern but needed to be confirmed by the Dr. After confirming her thoughts they called my Dr. and said for us to go right there. ~ Praise the Lord I had my dear friend with me, I KNOW that I couldn't have driven across town safely by my self ~

Soon at the Dr. office we found out that there was a cystic hygroma on the back of the head all the way to the bottom of the neck. Usually resulting from a chromosomal abnormality. I was told that the baby was likely to not make it past 18-20 wks. And given the option for an abortion repeatedly. And REPEATEDLY telling the Dr. "this is a life, no matter how small, this is my baby and a life inside of me. That will never be an option for me" After getting past all of that we were referred to a specialist as well as a genetic counselor.

The next several days as we waited for the specialist appointment I was shocked and grieved by the thought of yet another loss.I just kept begging God for a miracle. The appointments confirmed the earlier finding. We were given the options of many tests that could compromise the life of the baby.

Several appointments passed, and with each our light of hope was growing stronger. Things were not seeming as bad, and with each passing week the baby had better chances of survival. Our hearts had become encouraged and actually we started looking forward to our Dr. appointments.

Week 16- We had yet another ultrasound and we were excited to hopefully find out what we were having. As well as any improvements in the condition of our child.

As the technician started the ultrasound I could tell that the hygroma had not improved. My heart sunk, but I just kept telling myself that we could handle a special needs child. I already had such a love for special needs, and I knew God already knew that. I came back out of my short daydream long enough to hear the tech say "I am having a hard time finding the heartbeat" The room went black and instant grief and heartbreak began to sink in. I remember her saying "don't panic, we will try with the Doppler" as she did I tried sooo hard to listen, hoping that she was wrong. It was turned on for about 10 seconds, which felt to me like an eternity. I can not describe the heart ache and breaking that I felt that day. My beautiful baby, my dream of holding him in my arms around Christmas time. My Bella having a baby to love... all of those dreams at an instant halt.

The next day we followed with our regular scheduled appointment with my Ob (of which is the best ever, I have seen her since I was in Middle school - wouldn't have anyone else deliver my children!). That day we also had another ultrasound to confirm before we started the induction process. We scheduled the delivery for the next day. To tell you the truth at the time things felt like they were going so fast I could barely hold on.

The following day we were at the hospital bright and early. I am so thankful for a hospital that confirms the true life of a child. The sanctity of life at conception. At 4:26pm we delivered our beautiful baby boy. We were so blessed to be able to hold him and spend as much time with him as we needed. Right after delivery it was discovered that our son had not only the cystic hygroma but an abdominal wall obstruction (his intestines were outside of his body). I just kept thanking the Lord. Believe it or not I had such a peace that our son was with the Lord and being held by Jesus. If I wanted to have the heart of a loving mother, how could I tell my baby "no, I want to hold you, you cant be held by Jesus and have the experience of never felling pain" That was my comfort over those following days. My son has NEVER known this crazy world, pain or sadness.

The Lord also allowed us the opportunity to meet a Nurse who was seeking for answers regarding life and death and your relationship with God. I think she and I talked for almost 2 hours. Since I was her only patient I truly feel that it was the time and the place that God wanted us to be in.

We were also given the opportunity to name our son. We had a set names for a boy or girl, but those went out the window. We wanted something that fit our heart toward him as well as what God was doing in our lives. As I was looking through names I came across "David - beloved of God or Beloved" Considering that is what my husbands name, Darrell, means I thought that it was perfect. We also gave David his middle name so that he would have the same initials as daddy.

Since David was not yet to 20wks of life we were not required by law to have a public funeral. What a blessing it was that the Hospital offered a communal burial and service. That was the hardest thing I have ever done or gone through. My heart not only ached over my child, but my heart broke for the other mothers experiencing loss of their own all so unique and individual.

I met another mother there that day that I know God wanted us to meet. We have yet to connect but I know some day we'll get together.

There has been so many people that we have been blessed with as friends that have been a blessing and encouragement to us during our times of loss. Thank you to all of you. I especially want to thank our dear friends who watched our daughter for us as we went to many of our appointments. We would like to say a huge thank you to the churches that have prayed for us. We know that without prayer we would not have made it through.

Thank you to a dear brother in Christ who every week asks how we are doing. His comment to us is always " I know that you think about him every day, and its easy if you aren't the person who lost a child to forget about it. I just never want to forget about him." I am telling you all right now that that is the most affirming thing for you to say to anyone going through something like this. To know that others see that your child was a person and that its a true loss. THANK YOU THANK YOU to our dear friend for his love and compassion.

If you have made it this far, thank you for sharing in our story. We hope through this blog to be a blessing and encouragement. We welcome comments, emails , posts ect.... (still not up with the bloggy lingo). We would love to hear from you and share in your story as well. We look forward to getting to know you soon!

~ Michelle